Sunday’s List: Babe, I’m leavin’.

Don’t worry, this won’t be a Styx post…

I tried to make this work, I really did.  You’re great (at least that’s what they say), and I acknowledge that it’s not you, it’s me.  Unfortunately, this coupling just didn’t work out.

And it’s time for us both to acknowledge this and move on.

Without further ado, here are the five “great” modern films that I’ve tried to love but just can’t.

5. The Big Lebowski- The inspiration for this list came from my friend Phillip, who posted his own roll of this kind some time ago.  I mention Phillip here because in general, I think I’m a far bigger fan of the Coen brothers than he is- except for when it comes to The Big Lebowski.  While he and most of the Western world revere it as a comedy masterpiece, I just don’t really get it.  The quirky action and bizarre characters never coalesce into anything meaningful, and thus the film feels like an absurd mishmash of truly funny bits (“Who’s the f@%#ing nihilist here?”) with dull story elements that just don’t hook me.  I should hasten to add that, of all the films on this list, this is probably the one that I’ve made the biggest effort to love- I’ve bought and sold the DVD twice.  Both times, I thought that this would be the time it’d work; both times, we just didn’t get along.

4. The Departed- I think that all relationships start with some sort of spark, some hint that promises future happiness.  So it was when I first watched Martin Scorsese’s Oscar winner; with him and that cast working, how could this movie fail?  Well, it fails in my mind because it’s not better than the source material, the Infernal Affairs series.  That’s probably an unfair standard for me to hold The Departed to, but there it is.  I really liked the clarity and elegance of the original, and over time have found this American remake to be overwrought and overacted (I’m looking at a picture of you, Jack Nicholson- don’t you look away when I’m talking to you!).  Or maybe I just like Scorsese better when his plotting is looser.

3. Erin Brockovich- Sooooooo, let me get this straight.  It’s okay to be a crappy parent and neglect your children as long as the check is big enough in the end?  No thanks, Erin Brockovich.  That won’t work for you or the Catholic church.

2. The Sixth Sense- I’m not here to kick M. Night Shyamalan when he’s down.  In point of fact, I still defend Signs as a pretty darn good flick and think that Unbreakable is the real gem of his career thus far.  Yet for me, The Sixth Sense was a lot of spooky fun the first time through but an absolute bore on repeat viewings.  After the exhilarating first viewing, I rushed back to the theater a few days later- and fell asleep about thirty minutes in.  I NEVER* fall asleep in theaters.  To paraphrase Monty Python’s “The Oscar Wilde Sketch,” The Sixth Sense is a pleasure before you know its twist and a pain in the dong after.

1. Forrest Gump- It’s not just because of my disdain for the Bubba Gump restaurant chain.  It’s not just because a movie known for its special effects shouldn’t have special effects that look dated three weeks after release.  It’s not just because the great Tom Hanks won an Oscar for a borderline “full retard” performance.  It’s not just because the best line of dialogue related to Forrest Gump is in Fight Club.  It’s because I have a sneaking suspicion that we had eight years of George W. Bush as president because Forrest Gump trumpets the noble virtue of idiots.  Thanks for nothing, Gump.

*I fell asleep during Twister.  In my defense, the viewing was immediately preceded by a solo drive through the night from Denver, Colorado to West Lafayette, Indiana.  At that point, I’d have slept through a beating.

~ by Chris Vander Wal on September 20, 2009.